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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.